Will it ever stop hurting? Will the pain lessen at some point? Will I ever breathe again without aching deep in my soul? Hear that song without sobbing? Make it through a holiday or just an average Tuesday without the gut wrenching agony of your absence and wonder what it would be like to have you here? Will I ever sit in a specific place or moment where I once felt you kick inside the womb and not ache in the deepest parts of my soul for that to return? Oh how I’d love to feel you move….just one more time….just one more little kick.
Oh friend, these are all valid questions and all questions I have pondered. In my most raw conversations with the Master, I’ve cried out and asked Him myself. I am painfully aware that I am not alone in this journey and as much as I wish it weren’t so, there are many of you that are also walking the path of losing a child. While all our stories are different, I’m certain we share a special bond. If you have found yourself struggling with some of these same questions, might I share what I have found to be true and pray that you find Hope in these words.
While this first part you may not want to hear, if you’re like me, you’d rather just have the message “shot straight” without all the sugar coating. Most days I don’t have time or energy to waste muddling through the sugar coating to get to the truest parts of the message, so I won’t bother you with that either.
The truth is that 4 years later, the pain is just as raw some days as the day we got the news and I honestly believe it will never go away and never lessen here on Earth. In some ways, some days are even harder now with the passing of time and the inevitable moving on of life around us. However, as mixed up as others on the outside looking in might see this logic, I have found beauty in accepting the reality that this hurt is real and it’s not going anywhere until the day I see my Savior’s face and get to hold my sweet babes again. Why is that beautiful? It’s a testament of the deep love and bond I shared with them while they were here and that continues with each day that passes here without them. Grief is love; and love is beautiful. Make no mistake; don’t be deceived by others’ expectations of your grief; the continuance of your pain does NOT represent the absence of healing. Read that again….you can heal and still hurt at the same time with the same intensity…..in fact I’ve found it to be an absolute. It is in the healing that you learn healthier, stronger, safer ways to cope with the aches and triggers that accompany this journey. While I can’t promise you an end to the aching from their absence any time soon, I can promise you something divine that you can put into action today.
The greatest part of the answer I haven’t even shared yet. His promise. A promise you can count on. I have Hope today because of Him.
In Matthew 11: 28-30 we find this promise:
Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.
Friends, we can find REST in Him. He never promised we wouldn’t endure heartache, pain, storms, or trials. In fact, quite the opposite. While He made sure we knew these were all part of everyday life here on this Earth, He also promised He would never leave us nor forsake us. He promised that if we would just come to HIM and lay it all down He would give us rest.
Rest , enough to make it through the pain and the heartache and whatever life throws at us.
Are you heavy laden? I know I am guilty of carrying around the heaviness of all of life’s turmoil until I feel like I can’t take another step forward and then have no other choice but to lay it all down or let it crush me. One of my many downfalls…..but I’m working on laying it down DAILY and when I do I find a peace that only He can provide. He wants to carry it for us! This doesn’t mean that the pain of loss is going away before we get to Heaven. Like I said, I won’t sugarcoat this message for you. The reality is they were here and now they aren’t and it hurts; it’s excruciating. We love them. We miss them. We wonder who they would be. But, I can Rest in Him, knowing that they are with the Master of the universe and they are safe, cared for by the most High and that allows me to embrace Joy in the midst of sorrow. You don’t have to choose one or the other. Don’t let them tell you that because you still hurt you cannot heal. While I firmly believe that we won’t be fully healed until we reach the shores of Heaven I do believe that here on Earth, healing is found at the foot of the cross, when we lay down our burdens and surrender daily to the one who died for us all. Our Father in Heaven is waiting for us to come forward and lay it all down so He can carry the heavy loads and we can find peace even in the pain.
Oh friend, I pray that you will find rest in Him today. He is here and He is the Master of making purpose from pain; and beauty from ashes. He is ready and waiting for you, just as you are.
Taken June 2019. Oh to feel just one more little kick from you.
Photo Credit: His Creations Photography by Paige Yawson http://hiscreationsphotography.mypixieset.com
